Sex without fantasy

24 July 2026

Sex without fantasy is a contradiction in terms. This is true alone or with a partner. Whenever we reach for the erotic, we reach for exactly the place that isn't 'real.'

There's a popular claim in some corners of sex therapy and mindfulness practice, that the fix for flat, joyless sex — or indeed for compulsive sexual behaviour — is to drop fantasy and root yourself in immediate bodily sensation. Get out of your head; be here now; feel what's actually happening.

I think this 'cure' misunderstands the problem. 'Immediate sensory presence' is not a fantasy-free state. It's a different fantasy — one staged around bodily input instead of scenario and story. And this particular fantasy comes with a flattering extra: it gets to claim it isn't a fantasy

at all. It borrows the moral authority of authenticity, purity, 'closer to the real,' while doing exactly what every other erotic construction does.

There's no unmediated layer underneath fantasy that we could get back to if only we tried hard enough. The 'really real,' if it ever does intrude, tends to be flat at best, and genuinely distressing at worst. That's not an accident. Fantasy isn't decoration sitting on top of sex — it's the defence against the anxiety inherent in it.

Strip fantasy away and you haven't found the naked truth of the encounter. You've removed the thing that was making the encounter meaningful, and indeed bearable.

This is why 'drop it' tends to fail with compulsive fantasy in particular, and can