I hate being told what to do!
10 March 2026
"I hate being told what to do." We hear this often. A problem with authority can present as a healthy desire for autonomy and self-expression — but the affect that accompanies it is usually closer to resentment.
The Oedipal triangle offers one framework for understanding what's going on. And before you scroll past: this isn't about boys wanting to kill their fathers. It's a structure, not a literal drama, and it isn't gendered.
The child locates the source of all goodness
in the primary caregiver — but soon registers that this person is not always present. Something, or someone, elsewhere commands their attention and desire. That 'Other' might be a partner, work, friends, other passions, or the social world more broadly.
If this stage is traversed successfully, the child relinquishes the narcissistic position — the belief that I am all that you could possibly want. But the Other simultaneously becomes a source of anxiety. How do I compete with whatever this is? Can I acquire the qualities you find desirable there?
For some, this anxiety is never fully
metabolised. It persists, and quietly organises adult life in two recognisable ways:
The excessively compliant person may be unconsciously attempting to appease the Other — submerging their own desire in an anxious, self-effacing deference.
The person who refuses all authority may be taking the opposite defensive position — resolving the anxiety by asserting the narcissistic primacy of their own desire against the Other's.
Two very different presentations. The same underlying structure.