Why we argue

25 February 2026

When couples tell me their arguments are getting more frequent and harder to resolve, the first thing I often say surprises them: the content of the argument probably isn't the main issue.

What you fought about — the thing left undone, the tone, the habit that keeps resurfacing — is rarely the whole story. Sometimes conflict is less about the subject matter and more about what it's doing for the relationship.

Arguments create space between partners. They assert difference. They say: I am not entirely

yours. And in a close relationship, that can feel — maybe unconsciously — necessary. The demands of 'us' can press against a sense of 'me'. Conflict is one way of pushing back. Making up is one way of coming close again.

The cycle of moving apart and coming back together isn't a sign that something is wrong. It's the relationship regulating itself.

There are quieter ways to achieve the same thing — asking for time alone, being honest about needing space. But a snap often does the job more efficiently, if less gracefully.

Knowing this doesn't stop the arguments. But it can change how much they disturb us.

And there's one more thing worth knowing: the gap that conflict creates — the reminder that your partner is genuinely separate from you — is also part of what keeps desire alive. Desire doesn't thrive in total harmony. It needs a distance to cross.

As my late clinical supervisor, the wonderful Richard Newbury, once remarked: "Couples that don't fight, don't fuck."

He was right. The forces behind the conflict and the forces behind desire are, more often than not, the same thing.